• Always | Katniss & Peeta.

starcrossed-peeta:

“I don’t know! I was just asking.”

The desperation and confusion in Katniss’ voice was showing more with every second, and Peeta pressed his lips together as he realised he had overreacted. But it was too late to change anything about it, so he just bit on the inside of his cheek until he could taste the metallic flavour of blood inside his mouth. It was too late to change the words he had said, and it was too late to stop Katniss from going insane because of what he had said once again. He knew that it was, but he still wanted to turn back time. He hoped for all the desperate people in the world, that some time in the future somebody would invent a little machine so that they could turn back time and undo all the mistakes they had made. Because it was just so hard to deal with them afterwards. “And I was just answering”, Peeta said in a bitter voice. Of course he had just answered, but he hadn’t answered in the right way. He could have stayed calm and just tell her how he had met Vlad, and how Vlad had told him he was working for the Capitol and therefore lived near the training centre. But instead Peeta had overreacted, and to a certain extent he didn’t understand what was so wrong with that. Wasn’t he allowed to say his emotions out loud for once? Wasn’t he allowed to say how he was feeling, react even in an inappropriate way? Maybe not. Maybe in this relationship, the right to do that was provided for Katniss and only Katniss.

“There is nothing to want! What could I possibly want any more? We’re trapped. I don’t understand, Peeta. What should I want, when we can’t have anything?”

Peeta knew that Katniss and him could never think in the same way, yet he had hoped for an answer that would heal the wound in his heart, the one that was constantly bleeding and would drown him in his own blood one day. But of course it didn’t happen. How could he possibly expect Katniss to say something that could make him happy in this situation, after asking such a question? There was nothing in her eyes she could want, of course not. She had lost everything and maybe the only thing she wanted was getting Prim and her father back. To go back to District 12 and never return to the Capitol. Maybe even being with Gale. It was a gentle stab with a knife, right through Peeta’s heart, but she didn’t pull the knife out again. It was stuck inside of him, and it hurt with every breath he took, but he didn’t die because the resistance of the fabric of the knife was making it impossible. He sucked in a sharp breath, the pain inside of him only increased as he saw all the tears in Katniss’ eyes, millions of tears swimming there because of him. The gray of her eyes looked like a roaring thunderstorm, or rather the reflection of it in a troubled sea. But Peeta couldn’t even start feeling sorry, because his body wouldn’t let him. He had no idea what this weird mood he was currently in meant, where it came from, but he knew he hated it and he wanted it to go away. He just wanted to pull Katniss into his arms and hold her, and say how damn sorry he was for everything. Even though Peeta knew there was nothing he should be sorry for, just because he had said his thoughts aloud for once.

“You could want me”, he whispered, his voice nearly not audible to himself, so he actually doubted Katniss would be able to hear him. Then again Katniss had pretty good ears, better than anybody else he knew, and if it wasn’t because of her ears she would maybe even be able to read the words from his lips. But she wasn’t looking at him, so he doubted that as well. And Peeta was somehow glad she hadn’t heard him, because he knew this would only increase their problem. The thing was just that he couldn’t hold himself back from saying more. “You could have me”, he was still whispering the words, but they were louder now because he wasn’t able to keep his voice quiet as he rather choked them out, his voice sounding hoarse and pressed. “I know there’s not much left for you in this world, and I know you feel like there’s nothing you could possibly reach anymore. But this”, Peeta stopped, inhaling a deep breath. He knew he shouldn’t be talking anymore, but he couldn’t stop himself. The words were floating out of him because they needed to, they had lasted on his heart for too long now. They wanted to get out, make their way into Katniss’ head and settle down in there. He needed to tell her that if she had nothing left, she still had him. “This isn’t over yet, you know. And I know that if you only- if you’d only want it- damn”, he cut himself off, turning his head away to look into the other direction. Peeta was talking too much, burying Katniss underneath all his words, and the love he had for her; love she couldn’t return. Maybe he should stop thinking that there was a little part inside of her wanting this, and if this part would only grow they could do it. Together. Maybe Peeta should stop dreaming, and just face reality, but he couldn’t. He would never be able to do that, he could never grow enough to let go of her. She was his everything, everything he had left he wanted. And he knew that she needed him, and without him she maybe wouldn’t even be alive anymore. They were saving each other on a daily base, just without moving on because their strength wasn’t enough to do both. They were weak, the Games had made them weak.

“What’s so bad about being scared? He killed her, didn’t he? So why can’t I be more scared? We’re just going to become one of those victors, the ones that stop feeling any emotion or we become like Haymitch, I know it.”

There hadn’t been one single moment in which Peeta had actually considered Katniss being scared since he had first met her. She had always seemed so brave, so strong, so unlike himself. And of course they were opposites, completely different, maybe the reason why they still managed to function together. These days it downed on him more and more that Katniss was a pretty scared person. She wasn’t brave, at least not anymore. She was hiding behind her façade, she was hiding behind the masquerade of the girl on fire. At times she even allowed herself to hide behind Peeta. And to a certain degree he could understand her. Of course Snow had killed Prim. He had killed her in such a cruel way, and whenever the thought passed his mind again he just wanted to rush right into the President’s office and kill him for everything he had done. It was starting to annoy him how Katniss even tried to hide from him right now, how her face was buried deep inside her legs and arms, how she hid from him and the rest of the world. He didn’t want anything bad. He didn’t want to hurt her, not intentionally. He just wanted to save her, protect her, but it was so difficult if she was jumping between emotions. How could he know which was the best way to help her when one morning she woke up being happy, and enjoying the closeness between them, whereas another morning she woke up and told him to get away from her and never touch her ever again? It was insane, and it was definitely an expression of her fragile mind. It was nagging at Peeta, slowly eating him up from inside out, because he realised he wasn’t succeeding at the only thing he had ever thought he was good at. Loving Katniss.

“I didn’t say being scared is bad”, Peeta said defensively, folding his arms in front of his chest to hide from Katniss how he clenched his fists, more a gesture of pure frustration than anger right now. The anger had left him, it could never live for long inside of Peeta, it just vanished like everything else seemed to vanish from him. Everything he had ever had was floating away from him, and Peeta felt as if he wasn’t fast enough to follow and hold it back. Hold Katniss back. “But if you’re scared, you should fight your fear. Why did Snow succeed in hurting you in the first place? Because you let him. Because he knows you’re scared”, Peeta pointed out in a quiet voice. Everything he said was probably only making it worse, but he couldn’t help himself. There was no way to stop talking and leaving Katniss behind with these words in mind. “And just for the record, I always thought we are different. I thought because we have each other, we wouldn’t end up like the others. We don’t need alcohol, drugs, we don’t need anger to keep sane, because we have each other to keep us alive”, he said, his voice giving away how hurt he was. Peeta had always considered himself a lot different than the other mentors when he had seen them in the canteen or had even met them. He was less lonely, winning the Games hadn’t been a desperate gesture for him, it had been his way to stay together with the one he loved. He didn’t like the taste of alcohol, he wasn’t like Haymitch. He wasn’t like them. Or maybe he had just lied to himself the past years. “But it’s nice to know you think we’re such a hopeless case”, he added quietly, knowing how accusing these words might sound though he didn’t mean them in a blaming way. He meant them exactly like he said them. It was good to know Katniss thought they would end up like the others, because that meant Peeta could stop using all his strengths for keeping them different. He could save his strength for other things, maybe better things.

“No. But I don’t want to talk anymore.”

It felt like thousand needles stabbing every cell in Peeta’s body, and he winced a little as he looked after Katniss. His hands found the fabric of his jeans and held tightly onto it since there was nothing else left to hold. If Katniss didn’t want to talk, he could really very good just walk away, back into his room. If she didn’t want to talk, that meant there was nothing left. They hadn’t been able to leave the stage they were currently standing on because Peeta didn’t want to accept his loss. Now Katniss slowly made him realise that he didn’t have the things he always thought he had firmly in his hands. He didn’t have her. He didn’t have some different kind of love inside her heart. He had nothing. He was completely alone. He could very well just vanish from the face of the earth, because it wouldn’t bother anyone. Frankly, Katniss couldn’t care less. Peeta swallowed hard, trying to hold himself together, but it was a hard thing to do, and he just slowly got up from the floor. “Fine”, he whispered, sure that this time Katniss wouldn’t be able to hear him. If she didn’t want to talk, and rather wanted him to go, he would do that. For a moment he hesitated there, looking down at the plate with the food still standing next to where Katniss had sat only a few seconds ago. There were still the cheese buns, glistening golden in the sun falling through the glass roof of the greenhouse, and a crooked, sad smile formed on Peeta’s lips. Now it felt like that had happened an eternity ago, them sitting together in the canteen and being close to happy for once, Katniss bathing in the simplicity of the taste of cheese buns. Had that even happened? Or was it all just a dream? Was Peeta ever living in anything but a dream? If this was a dream, he wondered if he would ever start dreaming good things, because it was the worst and longest nightmare he was experiencing.

“I just, I- Why don’t you just move on, by yourself? What’s stopping you? Me? You’re the strong one here. Not me. You don’t need me to move on. I-I, I don’t- I don’t understand and I don’t get it.”

Peeta stopped after taking one step as he saw the movement out of the corner of his eyes, turning his head to face Katniss. She looked so angry and desperate, sad and lost. Hopeless. He wanted to do something about it, he didn’t really want to leave, but he didn’t want to upset her anymore either. He swallowed hard, just taking everything she threw at him, no matter if it was only a gesture of her arm or her words. He inhaled a sharp breath once again, and slowly shook his head. It was only a tiny gesture, she probably didn’t even notice it. After everything, after having told her this so many times, he had thought by now Katniss understood that he only lived for her and his love for her. It was the one thing keeping him alive, and the one thing keeping the voice in his head quiet, a voice still screaming at times that he should have just died in the Arena, because then a lot of things would be much easier for Katniss. Why should he move on by himself? He had wanted to die in that Arena as he had realised there wouldn’t be two victors. He had wanted to die so Katniss could go home, and she had been the one holding him back. She had been the one to keep him in this life, keep him alive and next to her side. He had never thought about winning on his own, it had never been an option. But if he would move on by himself now, it would be exactly as if they didn’t break the rules in the Arena. Everything would have been for nothing.

“Yes!”, he called after Katniss, but it wasn’t loud, it was weak. His voice was weak and tired, not able to scream at her for still believing he didn’t need her. “Do you ever listen to me, Katniss?”, he added in a bitter voice, burying his fingers in his hair and tugging at the strands to release some of the tension in his body, but it didn’t work. He felt so useless. Nothing he could do to make her stop thinking she shouldn’t be alive anymore, there was nothing left she loved. He was left. But she probably really didn’t love him as much as he had thought at first. “Of course you’re stopping me. I’m only here because of you, I wanted to die for you. Why should I move on without you? Why? There would be nothing left in this life if I would leave you behind, nothing left that makes me get up in the morning and fall asleep in the evening, eat, breathe. I don’t have anything left without you, you’re the only thing keeping me anchored to life.” Once the words were out, Peeta felt as if he was falling together in himself. His shoulders sank down, and his fingers stopped clenching into a fist. They just hang down next to his legs, and he stared at her back. So small, so fragile. Still without her he would be nothing. And somehow, a little bit, he could understand Katniss didn’t understand any of his words, because she had never felt these emotions. She didn’t know how it felt to be so deathly in love with somebody it seems as if they are the air you breathe, the strength forcing your heart to keep pumping. Peeta’s eyes closed in a weak attempt to shut the world out, but it didn’t work.

Peeta didn’t have the slightest idea why Katniss called him the strong one. He wasn’t strong, he just loved her and he had always thought this was the fact why he was the weak one in this relationship. If he would be strong, Katniss wouldn’t break down that often, would she? He would be able to hold her better. “I’m not strong”, he breathed, his voice sounding shocked. It was hard to even grab the words with his thoughts. He wasn’t strong. He had never really been. Katniss had always seen more in him than there really was. Calling him being able to throw bags of flour around would be good in the Arena had been hilarious, calling him the strong one now was even more ridiculous. “Why- how”, he stopped, trying to form a coherent question, but it didn’t seem to be possible. Peeta opened his eyes again, tracing the outlines of Katniss’ body, her legs, her hips, her shoulders, her hair hiding her face from him, a face probably covered in tears by now. His eyes followed her fingers gently stroking over a leaf, and his insides knotted together in a tight feeling, made it hard for him to breathe. He struggled with the words like he struggled to get air, and he pressed his hands against his thighs. “How can you even get the idea I’m the strong one here? I’m clearly not.” Peeta shook his head again, more so now that she couldn’t see him. He wasn’t strong. He didn’t lose his father, his sister. Even if his family didn’t mean as much to him as it meant to Katniss, he knew it would be hard to survive these things. Katniss did. She survived, and she still stood tall and straight. He admired her for this strength, because he didn’t think he would get up again if anything happened to Katniss in the near future. Or ever.

“I just- I don’t get it! I don’t get it!”

It seemed to happen in slow motion, Katniss’ hands closing around one of the pots and shoving it from the shelve. Peeta saw the pieces shattered all over the floor before he could hear the sound, a crashing thunderstorm sounding back from every corner of the green house. And at first, he wasn’t able to do anything. He just stood there, mouth slightly opened as he watched Katniss smashing all the pots, the plants lying between the broken fragments like dead bodies, trying to recover but not managing to do so. He had seen Katniss lashing out like this before, but in his memory it never seemed this bad. Not even as she had thrown things at him right after Prim had died. It was probably getting worse with each time she did this, and it hurt him deep inside. And it was this pain that pushed him through the surface again, suddenly image and sound fitted together again, and his muscles remembered how to move. He quickly walked towards Katniss. “Hey, hey Katniss”, he called out, his voice firm and loud this time. She should stop, because he could only imagine that this hurt herself more than the plants, or the Capitol for that matter. He was only steps away when she broke down, and his heart stopped beating for a moment, before he realised that she still moved, her arms wrapping around her legs and her face buried in her hands. For a moment Peeta hesitated to do anything. When he had been sure to embrace her only seconds ago, he wasn’t that sure anymore now. He swallowed hard, but his hesitation was broken as soon as Katniss pulled her hands away from her face, and he saw the blood on her hands from over her shoulder.

“Hey”, he breathed, and then Peeta fell on his knees beside her, gently pulling her back to him so her back leaned against his chest, his arms circling around her waist before he carefully closed his fingers around hers. His thumb brushed over the little cuts in the palm of her right hand, while his other hand just held hers for a few seconds. Peeta wanted to say sorry, but he didn’t know why, or how. He just stared at her wounded hands, his eyes following a little drop of blood running down Katniss’ wrist, and he quickly wiped it away with his thumb as well. The next thing popping up in his head was to ask Katniss if she was okay, but in the next second he noticed how horribly inappropriate that would be. Peeta would offer her to hit him instead, but now that her hands were already hurt that probably wasn’t such a smart idea either. He stared at her hands, so fragile and trembling, and then he turned his head, just a little so that he would be able to look at Katniss from the side. Finally, he found his voice again, and he leaned his forehead against the side of Katniss’ head. “You don’t have to understand”, he whispered, and it was the truth. Katniss didn’t need to understand, it was okay if she didn’t. Everything was okay as long as she let Peeta love her.

“And I was just answering.”

Katniss gritted her teeth together at his remark. It was stupid how he was still somewhat arguing with her, despite the fact that she had already given in. This wasn’t what she had wanted, she thought that they’d might have a better day seeing as they were enjoying each other’s company earlier, smiling softly. Was it really that long ago, since they were genuinely happy for a moment or two? And since when did it turn for the worse? A huge breath rushed from her mouth out of frustration, getting tired of Peeta’s incessant and unnecessary back lash and comments. It was childish of both of them, but they were so young, forced to grow up. She decided not to reply, deciding it wouldn’t do anything but create more friction, what could she say anyway? Nothing.

“You could want me.”

The fact that he could be diminishing himself this very moment had flown out of the window for her, but was abruptly brought back by that line. She closed her eyes, cursing under her breath, scolding herself for being so unknowing, never realizing the full extent of his love for her until he was practically begging for her. It was always too much for her to handle and inexplicably too much. It was decaying her, not because he loved her, but because how she could never love back despite all they had gone through together. She was stripped down as a person, all of the people closest to her had died or was somewhere else in state of mind and it was all done to toy with her mind. Peeta was here, but they were bound together by circumstance. It didn’t mean that she loved Peeta, even if she was fake it. You can’t force people to love each other. She continued to stare in the opposite direction, pretending to ignore him. She wanted to ignore him, pretend like none of this ever happened and they could go back to a happier scene in which they held each other or had a peaceful silence, stealing smiles and glances, kisses.

But no, she heard him; her hunter’s ears producing the line loud and clear for her to hear. She could hear the tone in his voice, how quiet he was, how broken, how he barely whispered. She wanted to scream, tell him that it’s got nothing to do with him or how it doesn’t even make sense, but instead she crumbled, unable to think of a suitable reply and sat. Simply sat. Ran away, like usual. It was one of the easier methods to get through the day, or get by. Simple and easy, never causing any more trouble but keeping a peaceful stance. It wasn’t what Peeta wanted, to move on forward, having the hope that all could be better with the effort, a lot of effort. She didn’t have any effort left. There was far too much going on, all inside her head, hazy and confused all the time. Adding on his love for her and the unrequited situation made her go insane. How could he even think about his love for her, when all these people were dying around them?

“You could have me. I know there’s not much left for you in this world, and I know you feel like there’s nothing you could possibly reach anymore. But this, this isn’t over yet, you know. And I know that if you only- if you’d only want it- damn.”

It was all getting too much for the girl on fire. No, no, no. Balling up her hands into fists, her nails dug into her skin deep; she pressed them hard against her forehead. It began to hurt, but her head was feeling much worse pain, the conflicting emotions that the both of them had. When was he going to get it that nothing was ever going to happen romantically? All the times that she kissed him, it was so selfish of her to have Peeta by her side and not love him. She needed him, she knew that much. Wasn’t that enough? Even for her, wasn’t that enough? Why did she have to pretend to be reliant on Peeta? Because he wanted it? Because she could just give in? No. She wanted to just be cut away from the rest of the world, she didn’t have to let anyone in, she didn’t have to do anything what anyone asked her to do and especially not her fake lover, who deserved nothing than to be rid of her sanity anyway. She had turned to face Peeta, shocked by his sudden outburst, but showing no sign of any other emotion. She was burning a stare into him, that held a stone cold expression of blankness.

On the tip of her tongue was the monotonous reply of “I’m fine,” but stopped, realizing how utterly wrong it was. Neither of them were “fine”. Peeta had stopped speaking, cursing under his breath. As she closed her eyes, swallowing down whatever was in her mouth, her fingers sifted through her hair attempting to stay calm. Should she reply? Should she even speak, or was it better to just stay silent? Katniss understood, maybe, she didn’t know really. It was so bewildering at this one moment that she had to sit in silence and process the words again slowly. He was speaking at such a rate and she tried to hold it altogether. Her breathing slowed to a rate that could be deemed as calm as she thought of what to say. “I need you,” she managed to breathe silently, pulling her hands back down over her eyes. “I want you.” And she left it at that. It was a statement, it didn’t add anything to the conversation. But she said it because she did, she needed him more than he could ever know and would never let him go. And it wasn’t entirely untrue about wanting him, the feelings the rushed in her chest when he kissed her and she kissed back. It was all hazy and was embarrassed that she even said it, something sudden than her head thinking properly.

“I didn’t say being scared is bad, but if you’re scared, you should fight your fear. Why did Snow succeed in hurting you in the first place? Because you let him. Because he knows you’re scared.”

She didn’t like how he was accusing her. And how could she possibly fight against Snow, just because she’s scared? It’s so much easier to hide away and forget that anything ever happened than to fight. She always ran away instead of fighting, in the arena, now with Peeta. Katniss couldn’t just fight against the president. She didn’t understand what he was suggesting to her, was he supposed to be hinting something or was merely trying to encourage her? Either way, it made her feel worse about herself and declined the chance to comment.

“And just for the record, I always thought we were different. I thought because we have each other, we wouldn’t end up like the others. We don’t need alcohol, drugs, we don’t need anger to keep sane, because we have each other to keep us alive.”

What a bitter line that she had once produced, thinking so innocently that they were different from the other dead cases here. We’re were dead on the inside, she whispered to herself, whilst Peeta raged on. Maybe once they could’ve reached a more positive stage, but not now, it couldn’t possibly happen not with the state that she was in. They weren’t any different from the others, the only difference was that there were two of them this year and even if they did go through it together, what stopped them from turning to other drugs like alcohol or morphling to keep the horrifying images at bay? Nothing. Neither one of them could monitor the other constantly.

“But it’s nice to know you think we’re such a hopeless case.”

His bitter tone and sarcasm was too much for her. She snapped. “You don’t get it, do you?!” Katniss shouts. “We are a hopeless case, will you just take one second to look at this, Peeta? We are ‘star-crossed lovers’ who are not star-crossed at all, let alone lovers! We don’t love each other and we don’t have each other.” She clenched her fists together, stupid, angry tears brimming her eyes again, glaring at Peeta angrily. “I really, I-” Katniss sighed and shot her head to the left, feeling her face break into a cry and closing her eyes. She would never want the drugs, ever, but Peeta wasn’t looking at this correctly, he was looking at it with such optimism that it was unbelievable. She held a frustrated hand to her head, eyes closed. “I don’t want the drugs, Peeta,” she almost sobbed. Katniss nodded her head down at the floor, her breaths raspy, trying to think of words to say. “I,” she began, in a quieter voice, “need you and I want you and I don’t want to end up like them or you to and, and…” Katniss choked on her speech for a second and her head falls into her hands, watching the floor with small eyes. “I’m sorry that I can’t protect you any better.”

It was all she ever wanted, wasn’t it? Katniss admitted defeat. She just wanted to keep her loved ones safe and yes, that was Peeta. He was everything that she wasn’t, the one who saved her life countless of times before. It was her time to do so and she tried to hard to try, but it was so difficult. How could she not realize that? Everything she did seemed to end in disaster and it was devastating for her. She needed to apologise for being so difficult all the time, for not being a better friend, for not protecting him like she said she would. She wanted to apologise over and over and over, but Peeta would never let her. It didn’t stop her, from the last time he asked her to stop doing so. Eventually she managed to stand up and move away from him but his voice keeps catching her.

“Why should I move on without you? Why? There would be nothing left in this life if I would leave you behind, nothing left that makes me get up in the morning and fall asleep in the evening, eat, breathe. I don’t have anything left without you, you’re the only thing keeping me anchored to life.”

There was a horrible pang in her chest, making her feel ultimately more guilty every second that passed. Isn’t he young to be thinking like this? It was stupid, she didn’t understand and never did and never will. The thought of it, reminds her of her mother, how willing she was to leave everything behind, her whole life, money, jobs, adoration for one man who lived in the Seam. How similar was her mother to Peeta? Katniss shook her head, as if trying not to listen but how could she not? Why was she his everything? He has so much to live for, and she wasn’t one of those reasons. Shouldn’t be. What about his own family, friends? Why didn’t they matter to him as much as she did to him? It was all a bunch of confusing questions that she could never answer, or never got answered by Peeta. She shook, standing in the same place, wiping tears away furiously, not sure how to reply. She didn’t accept the idea that she was the only thing that kept him to life, that couldn’t be right. His argument made no sense. Katniss pointed her attention to the plants in front of her.

“How can you even get the idea I’m the strong one here? I’m clearly not.”

Well, he just didn’t understand then, did he? Wasn’t he looking at her? She was a train wreck, so broken, irreplaceable. She was insane and he had to look after he every day, in fear that they would have another visit from President Snow again. She wasn’t strong, she was so weak and so tired. She gave in trying to be positive, so early in their, probably, lifetime deal in being a mentor. Peeta was always the strong one here, so bold, kept his morals and always kept her on the edge of sanity. How could he even think that he’s not the strong one hear, when he had to deal with her day in and day out? Keep her safe? Make sure she didn’t do anything wrong? Katniss was wild compared to Peeta. “You don’t get it,” the only thing she said, attention still on the plant. “You really don’t get it,” she sighed again, too exhausted.

It had been enjoyable breaking the plant pots. The crashes, the noises, it didn’t hurt her ears. The sound pleasured her, the surge of emotions through actions was great and released so much rage. She felt relieved smashing one pot after another, tears uncontrollably running down her face. Katniss fell to her knees and sobbed, hard. It probably wasn’t long, since she last cried but she felt free again from her emotionless state. The cuts and bruises on her hands hadn’t hurt, until she sat down and saw them. There was more of a twinge in her chest, rather than the light painful feeling in her hands, upset that she had hurt herself again. Katniss hadn’t heard Peeta walk behind her, and felt the sudden pull of his arms around her waist. She tried to stifle her sobbing because it was stupid how she was getting upset again, but it failed for the most part.

“Hey. You don’t have to understand.”

She was ready to cry again at the softness of his voice, how he whispered quietly to keep her calm. Katniss winced as his fingers grazed over her cuts. It only hurt a little, but the touch of it sent a horrible shiver through her and she wanted to shake him off and get away. A rush of emotions were going through her right now and the more she sat here, the more she was confused about their situation, her emotions and what was Peeta doing. One moment he was shouting at her, claiming that she didn’t want anything and that’s why they couldn’t move forward. More importantly, they were arguing but now he was hear holding her gently. The cycle completes another round once more. Regardless, Katniss continued to sob, unable to see through her tears, droplets of water falling down her cheeks and landing in the curve of her hands. It was unbearable the pain in her chest, her hands were completely fine compared to whatever stabbing feeling apparent inside of her. She wanted to scream and to shout, but was far too broken and tired for it.

The proximity was the worst part, because she didn’t deserve any of it. To feel his hot breath on her skin, how his arms held her close and his hands closed around hers, wiping away blood, soothing her skin. Katniss held back crying but it was difficult. She sucked in a deep breath, not sure how to react any more seeing as she was over the top all the time, anyway. Why didn’t she need to understand? She needed to, so they could move forward, right? So she could protect him? Then maybe she should. “No, I-I-” It was difficult for her to speak at all and scolded herself for being ridiculous. Katniss turned around and faced him, not caring about how close they were and wrapped her arms around his neck, to hug him tightly. She buried her head into his shoulder, tears falling freely again. She was sorry for doing this over and over again, but it looked like she wasn’t going to change any time soon. “I hate him,” she wailed into his shirt. “I’ll try to understand,” she choked more. “I-I promise.” She rarely made promises and hoped he understood the true extent of her words. Katniss would try hard to change, it wasn’t going to happen immediately and she will slow down sometimes, but she’ll catch up to where Peeta is, because she needs him and he needs her.

kiera-chmela replied to your post: kiera-chmela replied to your post: 　 YES I’M HERE…

OH GOD I KNOW IT HURTS ;__; THEY WILL LOVE EACH OTHER SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH ONCE IT HAPPENS OKAY

CAN’T THEY JUST LOVE EACH OTHER NOW OMG

kiera-chmela replied to your post: 　

YES I’M HERE ;__;

IT HURTS SO MUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

　

• Always | Katniss & Peeta.

starcrossed-peeta:

”That isn’t what I meant, when I asked if you were okay. I just meant that you must be upset if that someone used to be your friend, right?”

Peeta realised how surprised Katniss seemed to be by his sudden outburst. And somehow he even felt sorry for this, because he didn’t intend on blaming her for something; their whole situation was so conflicted, how could he ever blame her? But he hadn’t been able to hold it back anymore, all the frustration and loneliness. He didn’t know what to do anymore, they didn’t move forward but neither did they move backwards. They were stuck, no way out, but Peeta desperately wanted to see something new. He would be happier with less than with nothing at the moment. A bitter smile formed on his lips as he looked at Katniss, still not able to hold the anger roaring in his chest back. He didn’t know why now of all times was the moment when he exploded, now that they had been so happy for once, enjoying their time together in the greenhouse. Maybe that was it. This fake happiness mixed with real happiness. “Well, how can I know if that someone is still my friend if I left him behind to be a tribute in the 74th Hunger Games, came back without knowing what’s real anymore, and he didn’t life in District 12 anymore?”, Peeta asked in a flat tone. He didn’t want to be like this, he really didn’t, but he couldn’t help himself. He felt as if Katniss was trying to see something in Vlad being in the Capitol that wasn’t there. Everything was fine.

“But if that calms you down, we’re still friends. Because he’s there for me no matter what”, Peeta added, a lot quieter now. He didn’t know if Katniss would think about it, but he himself was pointing towards the time between the Games, when she had ignored him. Everything could have happened to him, he was sure she wouldn’t have noticed. Unlike Vlad, Katniss wasn’t there for him no matter what, no matter how long they hadn’t seen each other, because she was the reason for them not seeing each other. It didn’t change anything about Peeta’s feelings, but he knew just too good himself Katniss wasn’t a good friend. She could never be. Which made it even harder that there was no chance for them to be more than friends.

“I know what it feels like to lose someone close to you. I was just saying that… I’m here. If you need a talk or anything. Or if you ever need anything, just come to me.”

In the moment the words left Katniss’ lips, Peeta realised that she had never said anything like this to him ever before. She had always asked things from him, she had asked him to be there, to stay with her. But she had never told him she would be there for him as well. It sent Peeta over an edge he could climb up again, he was lost in a mixture of anger and frustration, desperation and happiness. It was too much for him to handle, but somehow he had to. And then he realised that even if Katniss was offering him to come to her, he knew that he would never be able to talk with her about the things he had talked about with Vlad. He couldn’t tell her how lost he was in this relationship, how much it really hurt him that she didn’t love him and only played everything. Katniss wouldn’t understand. She would never understand. “Thank you”, he said quietly, his voice losing all the anger and sounding tired instead. Tired of everything, again. “But I doubt I could talk with you about the things I told him. You wouldn’t understand”, he added nearly whispering. Peeta didn’t mean to hurt Katniss, but it was the truth. She would freak out, run away. Something she always did, and he wouldn’t be able to hold her back. Peeta just waited for the day she wouldn’t listen to him anymore, tell him to stay away from her and never ever touch her again. She had done it once, he was sure she could do it again. “You couldn’t handle it”, Peeta breathed, lowering his eyes so he didn’t need to look at her anymore. He just couldn’t do it, it was too much to ask for.

“But I suppose that would do nothing, right? Because we never do anything, or rather, I do nothing.”

Peeta glanced back up at Katniss, realising how she looked away from him. He knew he had hurt her, but at the same time he realised for the first time in forever she admitted her mistake. She was the passive part in all of this, the weight pulling them down so they weren’t able to move, Katniss was the reason why they were stuck, and she wouldn’t let them out anytime soon. She couldn’t make it, she wasn’t strong enough, and she didn’t want this enough. Not as much as Peeta wanted it. Katniss didn’t have enough feelings, she didn’t reach for more like Peeta did. It was hopeless. “That’s not the reason why it wouldn’t work. This is not about you doing nothing. This is about you wanting nothing”, Peeta explained, emphasising the word. He wasn’t quite sure if she would understand the difference, but it was important to him to mention there was one. Even though Katniss was right and she did nothing, that wasn’t the real problem they had at the moment. If Katniss would only want more, Peeta was sure then she would do something, or rather they would do something together and that would move them forward. They could do everything together as long as they had the same motive.

“And I suppose you’re right. But it’s not easy, okay? It’s not easy to just move on. I miss her, that’s all.”

Peeta winced in shock as he realised Katniss was referring to Prim. He hadn’t thought about this before, because Prim hadn’t been a subject in this conversation for him. Not before Katniss had mentioned her, before the thought invaded his mind floating on her voice. “I know you miss her”, Peeta said in a gentle voice. He felt the need to extend his hand and touch her, caress her arm or pull her into a hug, but he knew that would be inappropriate at the moment. Especially considering the words he just formed in his head. “I know you miss Prim, and I know it’s not easy to move on. But… this, this isn’t about what happened to us after Prim died. This is what happened to us after they got us out of that Arena. After we won, we never moved on. We kept standing on the same stage, as if we were scared to move on and take the next step. As if we are scared to move on. I know Prim increased this problem, but you can’t name her whenever you need a reason for what you do, Katniss. You didn’t want to move on before she died, and you didn’t have a reason back then. Except that you’re scared, though you’re such a brave girl.” Again, Peeta didn’t intend on blaming Katniss and making her angry. He just wanted her to see how it was, he wanted her to realise what the problem was. Because he felt without him pointing to it, she would never understand anything. Katniss was too oblivious to feelings to think about these things herself.

“If you want to move on so badly, just-just go back to your room or something.”

It shocked Peeta as Katniss stood up, he hadn’t expected her to get up and walk away from him. He had hoped that, after all, she had at least learned this. That running away from her problems wouldn’t do any good. He had seen the glistening tears on her face, the sunlight revealing them even if Katniss wanted to hide them. Peeta turned around on his knees to look after her, and for a moment he considered to do exactly that. Just get up and walk out of here, back to his room. Go to sleep and pretend that nothing happened. But Peeta couldn’t do that. Not now, not now that he was trying to finally make her see. “You think that would be a sign of moving on? Me going back to my room, and you running away from everything like always? I don’t see the point in that”, Peeta said in a calm, but loud voice so she would definitely hear him, no matter how far she wanted to walk away from him. He wanted Katniss to stay, he needed her to stay so he wouldn’t break apart. Not even Peeta was protected from a metal hand that threatened to squeeze his heart until nothing was left. And Katniss was the only shield he had from this hand.

“Well, how can I know if that someone is still my friend if I left him behind to be a tribute in the 74th Hunger Games, came back without knowing what’s real anymore, and he didn’t live in District 12 anymore?”

He was so mean. Katniss shrunk into her frame, sinking into his jumper and hid away. “I don’t know!” She outburst, reaching to the end of her tether. Her emotions getting wound up and tangled once more and could feel the affect of it on her cheeks, warming up. It was just a harmless question, she told herself and it was. She didn’t think that he would just blow up after a simple question of his well being. Was it really that bad? Did she overstep a boundary and she was unaware of? “I was just asking,” she whispered more to herself than anything. Peeta couldn’t possibly expect her to know these things, that his friend left for the Capitol, that he was frustrated with how she was. She felt like a child in how quickly she was to blow up and get angry, dealing with situations by just shouting useless lines, creating a poor argument and glazing over it the next time they met. It was stupid of her, but she preferred it that way.

“But if that calms you down, we’re still friends. Because he’s there for me no matter what.”

His tone of voice made it sound like he was blaming her and like with everything she took it to heart. Katniss wished her heart and front had an armour to protect her feelings or that her own would just kick in. Her chest constricted and she breathed a sigh, trying to shake off the guilt, prickling on her back. “Great,” she muttered with little enthusiasm, reflecting the exact bitter tone he had been holding for a while. Katniss shoved her head in the opposite direction of Peeta, getting frustrated again. She was bitter as well now, this conversation was making her feel worse again instead of trying to uplift herself. Since when did they have a conversation that didn’t delve into such serious and stupid topics, that they got angry over each other for? Katniss blamed herself, as it usually was her fault. Why wouldn’t it be?

“Thank you.”

Peeta’s voice was quiet, all of a sudden. Was he regretting being angry at her, or surprised at her words? She hoped it was one of them, even though the tone of his voice wasn’t pleasing her. He lost all of the hard emotion he had had before, and was replaced with a tired tone. Her mouth fell into a frown. His tone sounded regrettable too and she didn’t like where this was going.

“But I doubt I could talk with you about the things I told him. You wouldn’t understand. You couldn’t handle it.”

Being rejected was common practice for everyone, and they moved on but for Katniss, it stung a lot more than it would’ve done to anybody else. Maybe it hurt more more because Katniss never offered help to anyone else and getting rejected by someone she owed so much to only made her angry, but filled with despair. Stupid tears fill up her eyes without consent and she buries her head into her arms again. She trembled slightly, shaking even though in the greenhouse it was anything but cold. Her fingers dug into the At first she hung her mouth open, trying to squeeze out any words that her throat would let her form. “Okay,” she finally managed to choke out, slowing diminishing her form, closing her eyes to shut out the world. Her fists bunched up the fabric at her sleeves tightly, regretting that she even said those words in the first place. At least she offered, right? Tried? Wasn’t that enough to have known that you tried to help but were rejected? The thought only buried heavy in her head.

“That’s not the reason why it wouldn’t work. This is not about you doing nothing. This is about you wanting nothing.”

It was always easy to anger Katniss when vulnerable, even though Peeta was talking to her more softly. “There is nothing to want!” She shouted, angry tears brimming fully to the edge of her eyes and looked at Peeta solemnly. Katniss huffed a sigh and pulled her gaze away quickly, embarrassed, before continuing. “What could I possibly want any more?” She managed to sob from her throat and throw her face into her arms. “We’re trapped,” Katniss finally gave in, letting her fingers dig into the fabric of her sleeves and feeling the strain of it. She didn’t understand what he was saying. Could there be much difference between her doing something and wanting something? Wanting suggested something she could never have, whereas doing something was a more physical movement to urge her forward. “I don’t understand, Peeta,” she sighed, manoeuvring herself to lie the side of her face on her folded arms. “What should I want, when we can’t have anything?” A rhetorical question. She wasn’t sure if he would understand, but was too tired to explain herself about how they could never act themselves with consequences.

“After we won, we never moved on. We kept standing on the same stage, as if we were scared to move on and take the next step. As if we are scared to move on. I know Prim increased this problem, but you can’t name her whenever you need a reason for what you do, Katniss. You didn’t want to move on before she died, and you didn’t have a reason back then. Except that you’re scared, though you’re such a brave girl.”

Katniss winced every time Peeta said Prim’s name. It was almost like she was territorial over it, like he shouldn’t say her name at all; she couldn’t trust anyone else saying her name. She breathed slowly, burying her head further into her arms, trying to desperately to hide away again as usual. It was so much easier when she didn’t have to deal with all of this at once. She finally unravelled her arms and pressed her hands to her head, breathing a huge sigh. All of his words were coming thick and fast at her, and she just wanted to leave; regardless, she still heard his words and listened but hated what he was saying. “What’s so bad about being scared?” She said defensively again, shuffling her arms and legs again. “He killed her, didn’t he?” she choked. “So why can’t I be more scared?” She brought her head up with the little confidence she gained and looked at Peeta confused. “What is there even to move onto?” She sulked back into her arms again. “We’re just going to become one of those victors, the ones that stop feeling any emotion or we become like Haymitch, I know it.” Katniss folded her face back into her arms.

“You think that would be a sign of moving on? Me going back to my room, and you running away from everything like always? I don’t see the point in that.”

Why couldn’t she just get away? Katniss stopped in her tracks once hearing his voice but regretted it immediately. Why couldn’t he just let this slide? She wasn’t in the mood for such a conversation, but she never was. Running away was easier than facing the problem. Katniss was never the strong one in this relationship, Haymitch knew it as much as she did. How could he call her brave when she did nothing but run away? Every day was so difficult but he didn’t know it. It was a struggle to force herself to get up out of bed. It was a struggle to eat. It was a struggle to do anything. What was the point in moving on, when there was no light? Even so, Peeta’s word punctured her heart, when she never usually listened to anyone else, she would to him but this hurt. It was horribly painful that he wouldn’t consider her sanity at moments, and how fragile she was. Her hands ran through her hair frustratingly and pulled on it. “No,” she agreed and gritted through her teeth. “But I don’t want to talk any more.” It was hard for her to produce words at all, almost choking on every word that fell from her mouth, she wondered if Peeta had heard her at all.

“I just, I-” Katniss threw her hands about in frustration, unable to find words to express her anger and despair. “Why don’t you just move on, by yourself?” She compromised, throwing an arm at Peeta once she turned around. Her eyebrows furrowed in desperation. “What’s stopping you?” She shouted back. “Me?” Katniss retorted, confused but still with a tone of bitterness and anger and sadness that she had never heard before. It was a weird mixture of emotions, but it was all she ever felt nowadays. “You’re the strong one here,” she breathed, getting angry. “Not me.” She turned away, her face furrowed with confusion and walked towards the plants to try and regain calmness. Her finger gently brushed against a leaf, whilst talking. “You don’t need me to move on. I-I, I don’t-” She stopped, closing her eyes and breathed deeply. “I don’t understand and I don’t get it.”

Why did he need her? Why couldn’t he just leave her behind, when everyone else would? She wasn’t worth it and knew it. She didn’t deserve care or love or anything, and frankly rotting away into depression seemed like the only ending she would have. “I just- I don’t get it!” She cried, her hands pushing a pot off a shelf. It finally released some of her rage in physical activity and she enjoyed the push of it, the rings that sounded the entire greenhouse when the pottery crashed. “I don’t get it!” She cried again, pushing more off the shelves, tears streaming down her face endlessly and grunting with every movement. Eventually she broke down herself and fell on her knees. She curled her legs around and cried into her hands. The release of emotion was good for her and it felt nice to just let it out, despite how awful she felt, putting her anger out by damaging things physically, though it was nothing that the Capitol would care about. Katniss hadn’t noticed the stinging on her hands and pulled her hands away from her face to notice the little cuts that she had gained from the pottery. They were nothing major, though blood was appearing. She had experienced much worse.

• Always | Katniss & Peeta.

starcrossed-peeta:

“You know you can leave if you want to, right?”

Once again the guilt invaded Peeta’s body like a snake leaving her venom everywhere, the liquor slowly spreading through his veins, pumping with his blood through his body and making him feel limp and tired, not able to move anymore. He was so tired of this game, he couldn’t even start expressing in words how badly he wanted this to stop. Why couldn’t he be honest with Katniss without getting something thrown back at him? Guilt wasn’t one of the feelings he liked, he preferred being happy, or just bathing in his love for Katniss. Maybe that was because he rarely ever got to feel those emotions, they were a bittersweet memory he wasn’t allowed to taste that often.

Peeta felt like a little kid who needed the advice of others to see what was the right thing to do. Just that he was already old enough to make decisions for himself, but Katniss was the adult that couldn’t understand he was too old for her advice now. Peeta could very well decide for himself when he wanted to go, not that he would ever want to go as long as he got to enjoy Katniss’ presence next to him. “I know”, he said, his voice carrying a gentle tone as he looked up at Katniss with a small smile. “But I really don’t want to leave as long as you’re here”, he added, still as honest as always. He didn’t care how tired or hungry he was as long as Katniss sat next to him, and that was the reason why he was in this situation in the first place. His body and his needs would always come after Katniss. He wondered if this was normal, because it didn’t seem like a healthy love to him. Yet he didn’t want to stop it, ever.

“You saw someone from District 12, here?”

Peeta winced a little as the words hit him. He hadn’t expected this reaction from Katniss, and somehow it hurt. Though he knew it wasn’t what she meant, it sounded a little like he wasn’t allowed to meet somebody who had been close to him here, in the Capitol. He knew himself how impossible it sounded, but Vlad hadn’t been a dream. They had met, and they had talked, and Vlad had been here for appropriate reasons. Sometimes Peeta had the feeling Katniss forgot he knew other people except her as well. Of course, it must seem like there weren’t any, because Katniss was the one important thing in his life, the one thing everything focused on. But he had a family as well, only that it wasn’t that important to him. And he had a best friend, just like her, only that he hadn’t seen Vlad in forever. “Yes, I have”, Peeta said, his voice losing a little of the warmth as he slowly sat up next to her. It didn’t feel right anymore to lie down next to her now. “Is there a problem with that?”, he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I mean, are you okay?”

Confusion was growing in his head, and Peeta frowned as he looked at Katniss. He couldn’t understand what was going on in her head, even if sometimes he wished he could. She was jumping between emotions and tones of her voice, he couldn’t quite follow. He wasn’t fast enough for her free mind. Peeta rubbed his hand over the nape of his neck, and slowly shook his head. “Yeah”, he said shortly. He would always be okay, nothing more and nothing less. If he would be honest with Katniss, he could tell her now that he had in fact felt a lot better with Vlad, because there had been somebody to talk to who wouldn’t go insane or completely silent if he said something. With Katniss, Peeta always had to consider what would happen next - what would be her reaction. With Vlad, for once, he could just say what was on his mind, cry his heart out. He had missed it, and he had needed it.

“I mean, I’ll always be okay”, he said. He was frustrated because of the lack of prediction when it came to Katniss, and because she somehow didn’t seem to understand what this meant to him. He threw his hands in the air with a bitter smile before he rested them on his thighs again. “That’s what this is about, isn’t it? Being okay. We don’t even try to be more than that”, Peeta said, feeling a sting in his heart as he realised the we was inappropriate. Katniss didn’t try to be more than okay, even though Peeta would happily try. But without her, there wouldn’t be happiness for him. He was stuck, no way to get out, and she didn’t realise anything. She was stuck in her own head without a place for Peeta, yet she didn’t want to let him go and let him dangle in the free air, able to fall down into a dark ocean any moment; an ocean with thick water that would make it hard to swim. Peeta would drown, there was no denying it. One way or another, love would be the cause of his death.

“I know. But I really don’t want to leave as long as you’re here.”

A smile slowly pulled on her face, a weak one but one that Katniss was most fond of nowadays. “Okay,” she breathed, her chest bouncing a little higher because he wanted to stay even though he could leave. Those little bursts of happiness always happened from time to time, the warmth that she would feel from a smile or an embrace. She was grateful for Peeta’s presence but rarely thanked him, because it was something that always came to her afterwards and eventually forget until another time. She just hoped that Peeta could gather that she was thankful.

“Yes, I have.”

She nodded politely and pulled back. It was a funny thought, thinking how someone from home could be right here. Living here? Why would they be here? She wasn’t aware that other district citizens could live in the Capitol. It wasn’t her problem anyway. She shook the thoughts out of her head, pulling away as she watched Peeta sit up. She brought her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. He was being a little short with her, which was new for her to experience but she didn’t mind. After all, he was his own person and how could anyone could ever get used to someone’s shouts? She was just acting naturally and so was he.

“Is there a problem with that?”

“No,” she said immediately, feeling almost offended and wanting defend her words. Katniss pulled her eyes away quickly, looking at the ground with shame. She hadn’t meant it as an attack, just wondering. Wasn’t it weird to see someone from the districts, who wasn’t a tribute or a victor, here? Peeta raised an eyebrow at her and she suddenly felt self conscious. She had only meant it in a harmless way, not so that she was making fun of him or accusing him of anything. Katniss solemnly asked how he was doing, but wasn’t expecting the answer she received.

“Yeah.”

Her breath hitched, nervously pulling her head to the side. She couldn’t elaborate on that answer. It was short and blunt. There was nothing to continue on. She thought Peeta was going to stay silent but he continued.

“I mean, I’ll always be okay. That’s what this is about, isn’t it? Being okay.”

Her gaze went up to Peeta and her mouth hung in protest. It wasn’t what she had meant at all, not by a long shot. She wanted to say something but nothing came out. Her mouth closed and she stared at Peeta, confused and hurt. He sounded so conflicted and obviously angry to a certain degree, frustrated by throwing his arms up into the air and constantly fidgeting. She didn’t want this. It was a harmless question in her head and Peeta took it in the wrong way. Katniss’ whole frame tensed up, shoulders stuck in place unable to tear her eyes away from his sudden outburst.

“We don’t even try to be more than that.”

Katniss mouth shut firmly and stared hard at the ground. She supposed she should’ve been more angry than she was at the moment, but she felt hopeless instead. Even when they had a nice happy bump to the day, she knew it wouldn’t last. It had stung, even though it probably shouldn’t have seeing as it was true. How reluctant she was to move on or try to be positive or do anything. All of what he said was true, they both knew it, they just never dared to speak it out loud. She shifted uncomfortably in the silence. ”That isn’t what I meant, when I asked if you were okay.” She gritted her teeth together, trying not to get too angry, frustrated or rather, upset. “I just meant that,” she tried again, “you must be upset if that someone used to be your friend, right?” She pulled her mouth into a flat line. “I know what it feels like to lose someone close to you.” She wasn’t really referring to Prim necessarily, but it sprung up in her mind. A sigh left her mouth. “I was just saying that… I’m here,” she played with the edge of the jumper, her eyes focusing on it instead of Peeta, looking for words, accurate words. “If you need a talk or anything.” Katniss glanced her eyes up at Peeta for a split second and pulled her gaze to the ground again. “Or if you ever need anything, just come to me.” Katniss bit on her tongue.

It was her stubbornness that made her continue. “But I suppose that would do nothing, right?” A tone so bitter fell from her mouth. “Because we never do anything, or rather, I do nothing.” Katniss had managed to circle her arms around her knees and looked in the completely opposite direction. “And I suppose you’re right. But it’s not easy, okay?” The sudden transformation of being angry turned to despair and sadness was incredibly. Her chest tightened and tears brimmed quickly. The arms around her knees were more secure. “It’s not easy to just move on.” Her tones were sharp, whilst tears were brimming; she tried to blink them away but to no avail. Katniss hated herself for being so weak all the time, it was getting harder to act like nothing affected her and it was frustrating. “I miss her, that’s all,” she barely whispered, as if trying to convince herself that that’s all it was. Like Prim was back home, alive and safe but instead she was gone. Her heart had stopped beating seconds, minutes, hours, days ago. It didn’t matter how long ago. She was dead.

It was stupid, Katniss told herself. That she was getting upset, right now. Again. She sighed, defeated as she frustratingly brushed her tears away with a neutral expression. Katniss stood up and look at Peeta briefly. “If you want to move on so badly, just-just go back to your room or something,” she muttered quickly, wiped away any tears before they could fall and turned to walk further into the greenhouse, hoping to get lost and get so far that Peeta nor anyone else couldn’t hear her cry.

• Bullseye | Katniss & Aage.

aage-mier:

Aage had felt bad that he hit her with his phone. He felt even worse when she started choking on her drink. What a horrible way to meet a new person and a well-known person at that. “I’m really so sorry about that. I wasn’t looking where I’m walking. I apologize deeply. Are you okay?” Even before she had confirmed it, Aage was already sure she really was Katniss Everdeen. The moment he recognized her and her name left his lips, he had been sure.

“Katniss Everdeen,” “The one and only.” ”And if I’m not being rude, can I ask who you are?”

“It’s nice to finally meet you then.” Aage returned her smile politely. It was true. He might not be one of those crazy, obsessed fans that would die and scream like a lunatic when they see famous people like her, but it was really nice to finally meet her in person. Aage had never been that fond of the Games. He hated the Games but the 74^th really was something to look back on, especially because of this girl and her district partner, her lover, Peeta Mellark. They’d made the Games that year more than just a fight for life. They’d given more meaning to it. Whether it was accidental or planned, Aage didn’t know. But the two of them had flipped the meaning of the Games. Instead of it causing people from the Districts to lose hope, it had caused them to gain hope. He would know because he’d heard of little rebellions from the Districts from his co-elites. He even almost got sent to District 11 when a riot arouse during Katniss’ Games. It was probably because of that little girl too, the one that looked like a bird.

“I’m Aage Mier, a Capitol citizen who does not look ridiculous. Or so I hope I don’t,” Aage introduced himself with another smile. And I’m also a part of an elite team formed to stop rebellions that you’ve almost started big time a couple of years ago. Aage’s mind continued but he never formed the words. It would have been weird if he actually said them, after all. And so Aage wondered if Katniss had a clue about what she’d unknowingly done a couple of years ago. Yes, maybe she wasn’t the symbol of the rebellion Aage was a part of but for those in the farthest districts, she was their symbol. Aage wondered if she knew about them.

“Would it be okay if I sit down?” He motioned to the spot beside her on the bench. Since he was wondering so much, maybe he could get some information from her. After all, that was what he was, wasn’t he? He was an infiltrator. He takes information from people. And right now, Katniss Everdeen seemed to be a very giving wellspring of wisdom. “I hope you don’t mind having me as company. I’m just tired and I wanna sit. I promise I’m not gonna fanboy all over you like the freaky people do.”

“It’s nice to finally meet you then.”

Katniss returned the smile that he was showing, hoping that she wasn’t being too awkward for she wasn’t one to interact in a positive fashion. One of her hands fiddled with the end of her jumper, attempting to keep herself busy though the other hand was crunching the drink she had bought in anticipation. She wanted nothing more than to go back home, but wasn’t that always the case? Her thoughts always surrounded around home, especially with how long she had stayed in the Capitol, rejecting everyone else. But she knew at some point, she would have to branch out and make some friends, right? It was the only way forward, seeing as the Capitol wouldn’t stop prying into her life any time soon.

“I’m Aage Mier, a Capitol citizen who does not look ridiculous. Or so I hope I don’t.”

She laughed lightly and warmly at his comment. “Surely it’s the culture of the Capitol?” She breathed with a flicker of a smile. Katniss was glad that, indeed, Aage was not one of the Capitol citizens with the most outrageous fashion. In fact, he looked a little out of place in the sea of people with wigs, psychedelic colours and outrageous styles of clothes. Though, he still looked like a Capitol man with money nonetheless. No one in the Capitol would ever dare to look like someone from the districts. After al, all they wore were rags and such anyway, there was nothing special about their clothing, no labels; just old hand-me-downs from sibling to sibling and generation to generation, much like Katniss’ own reaping dress from her mother.

“Would it be okay if I sit down? I hope you don’t mind having me as company. I’m just tired and I wanna sit. I promise I’m not gonna fanboy all over you like the freaky people do.”

“O-of course not!” Katniss nudged aside on the bench, displaying a space for him to sit at. “And I’m sure you won’t,” she laughed warmly at his comment again though she was feeling a bit awkward over the thought of someone “fanboying” over her. Whatever it meant. And wasn’t he one of the “freaky” people? She almost laughed, perhaps it was politically incorrect of him to say so, or perhaps, ironic seeing as he was a Capitol man himself. Regardless, she moved aside, hoping that she was able to form a good conversation before going back to the training centre. “Please have a seat,” she smiled again. “I certainly don’t mind answering questions, if you want to ask them.” Of course she minded, but it wasn’t like people would stop asking them and it would better to get it over and done with.

(Source: catnus-)

• Always | Katniss & Peeta.

starcrossed-peeta:

It was a nearly lovely experience, just lying on the floor of the greenhouse as if nothing else mattered, the leaves and sky above him turning into a blurry mass whenever Peeta forced himself not to blink. His eyes hurt with the need to just close them and sleep for a while, submerge into dreams, no matter how dark they would be. Peeta sighed quietly and rubbed his eyes with his fists, trying to concentrate on Katniss’ presence somewhere a few feet away to keep himself awake. Before, the mention of his fatigue hadn’t involved the simply physical need to sleep, but to get away from their everyday routine they had developed in the Capitol this year. Just as he lay down on his back, no matter how hard the ground underneath him was, Peeta started to realise that he actually needed some proper sleep as well. The longest he had slept since they had arrived here had been about three or four hours, definitely not enough looking at the psychical pain and fights he had to withstand every day with Katniss by his side.

Instead of letting the dark thoughts invade his mind again, Peeta listened to Katniss’ light steps through the greenhouse, nearly not audible anymore. He knew just how quietly she could be, and with every step she moved away from him, it got harder to actually follow her with nothing more but his ears. As she seemed to fully vanish into the plants, being swallowed by them like plankton being swallowed by a big whale. Panic took over him, and Peeta actually considered getting up from the floor to run after her and make sure she was okay, but he held himself back. They were only in a stupid greenhouse in the Capitol, nothing could happen to them here. Nothing would happen to them here.

He hadn’t realised he had closed his eyes again until Katniss’ steps grew louder again, and he blinked up a little confused as he felt the move of air next to him. Katniss looked happy, still so happy, and he was glad to see her like this for once, even if they were in the Capitol. Peeta couldn’t help but smile a little, watching her how she sat down next to him. He didn’t mind if she wanted to walk around in the greenhouse a little more since this must really remind her of home, but he didn’t mind either if she sat down with him here and made him feel more comfortable with her presence, just by being close. It was the one thing Katniss was good at, cheering him up just with her presence though it was the one thing able to break him as well.

“Here. You should go to bed if you’re tired.”

It was such a lovely gesture that it made Peeta want to cry out loud, but he didn’t make any noise, he just moved his head up in Katniss’ hands, feeling how she gently pushed the blanket as a pillow underneath his head. The floor actually hadn’t been that bad, and he would accept anything she tried to do for him that reminded him of a caring gesture, reminded him that after all she somehow needed him. In a way that was weird and collided with how he wanted to be needed by her, but still enough to make him happy. “Thank you”, he said quietly, resting his head on the blanket and running his fingers through his hair to fix it a little just in case he had messed it up. Peeta watched Katniss, it was such a different perspective to look up at her and finally see her face so that she couldn’t hide it from him. Usually she looked down when she didn’t want him to see her face, but now he could even see how she looked then.

She looked worried to a certain degree, and the smile and happiness disappeared from her face as she sat down cross-legged next to him, just to come back a few seconds later, but this time in a far more forced way. This wasn’t the real smile anymore she had shown him only seconds ago, and he couldn’t blame her for it. He was making this hard, he was destroying the fragile happiness floating around them with his thoughts, and he hated himself for destroying what he always wanted when he got it for once. Going back to his room and to bed wasn’t an option anymore, not after they had finally made it out of there. So he just slightly shook his head, though he wasn’t sure if Katniss really paid attention to it. “No, I don’t want to go to bed. I’m used to not getting that much sleep after all”, Peeta said with a crooked smile, not realizing what an inappropriate comment it was until it was out. It nearly sounded as if he was blaming Katniss for this, something he definitely didn’t mean to do. They both kept each other awake every night, with how they talked and worried and wondered. It wasn’t her fault, and he was quite scared of her reaction. He didn’t want to freak her out, and he hoped she wasn’t putting that much weight to his words, so she wouldn’t bring new distance between them. He didn’t want distance now, he couldn’t deal with it now.

“I’m just going to… Eat.”

Peeta opened one eye to see how Katniss reached for another cheese bun. It was a nearly cute gesture, how she seemed to adore these simple pieces of food. There was nothing special about it, yet it seemed to absolutely fascinate her. The taste was so simple compared to all those difficult cooked dishes around here, and it only increased his impression of Katniss being flawless in her own way. She didn’t need any specials for her alone, she didn’t need extraordinary. It was a nice way to hold onto reality, to not get lost in this nightmare any more than they already were. He watched her eating a little of the cheese bun, and didn’t expect her to speak anytime soon again, so her words hit him with surprise.

“So. Have you met anyone else yet in the Capitol, or any other mentors?”

Peeta frowned a little and rubbed his hand over his forehead as he thought about it, shaking his head just a little. Why was this important all of a sudden? They rarely ever talked about others, maybe as well a characteristic feature for their relationship, and at first Peeta actually didn’t know what to say. Would she feel weird if he said he did meet a few people? Or would she feel even worse if he said he didn’t? Lying wasn’t an option in such ‘happy’ times though, so he just cleared his throat and nodded slowly. “I did meet a few people, yes”, he said quietly, and at first he didn’t intend on going more into detail. But then he decided to do it anyway. Katniss had mentioned Finnick, so why couldn’t he do the same? “I met a few other mentors, Annie for example”, he started slowly, and after hesitating for a second, he added quietly, “and I met who used to be my best friend.”

It was still weird to think about the coincidence that Peeta had met Vlad here, somebody he had been so close to over so many years, and then had lost just like that – all due to the Games. He hated the Capitol for it, and he hated himself for it, but at the same time he was just glad that he had found him again, because truly, until Peeta had stumbled over Vlad he hadn’t realised just how badly he needed somebody to talk to except Katniss, somebody he could tell about everything he felt and not just the things who hopefully wouldn’t hurt her or start to freak her out. It was hard to keep everything to yourself, and Peeta knew he would’ve exploded sooner or later with too many feelings and pain if he hadn’t found a way to get everything out – all the worries, all the pain, all the love.

“Thank you.”

Seeing his smile, she equally pulled a soft one back, happy that she was able to do something for him, especially when he had looked to unbelievably tired, resorting to lying on the ground instead of trudging back into his bedroom. To be perfectly, she was tired too, but tried hard not to let it show although her body had other ideas. Katniss shot her eyes back open again, trying to keep herself awake, shaking her head. It certainly wasn’t an easy task, when she was constantly drained of energy due to nightmares and her reluctant of letting her body rest, but she tried nonetheless. Katniss watches Peeta ruffle his hand through his hair and her smile pulled an edge wider. She has the idea that he did so to present himself better, but he really didn’t need to, especially not in front of her of all people and where they were right now.

“No, I don’t want to go to bed. I’m used to not getting that much sleep after all.”

Katniss could only squirm at his comment lightly, breathing out an ‘oh’; a little fearful that she was the reason as to why he could never get enough sleep as she usually woke up in the middle of the night due to her nightmares. If not that, they were probably arguing, which again, was her fault. She looked down a little guiltily, even now where he was obviously so exhausted he didn’t want to go back to bed. Was she keeping unnecessarily keeping him here? Katniss’ teeth sunk into her bottom lip. “You know you can leave if you want to, right?” She didn’t want to feel like she had to give permission to Peeta for him to leave. If he wanted to, he could. He didn’t have to oblige to her needs, and it wasn’t like she’d immediately die without Peeta by her side. Katniss’ eyes flicker back and forth from one side of the ground to the other before finally resting on the plate of food. She shoves a cheese bun into her mouth in order to stop herself from talking.

The taste was still the same from before, savoury and definitely pleasing to the tongue. It was a creamy taste that melted and sprang. A small smile played on her lips, laughing at how only the smaller things in life did she really enjoy even when it came to food. Out of all the confectionery she could’ve indulged in, she chose simple bread mixed with cheese. Whatever, she didn’t care. It tasted good and that was all she wanted, not extravagant dishes to refine her tastes in food. Anybody in District 12 would kill to eat a piece of this bread. Warm bread, such a rarity especially for her living along the Seam. Katniss began to wonder if Peeta made such things, or knew how to. Maybe she should ask. Regardless, would she have even tried to learn how to? Katniss admitted to herself it would be nice to keep herself busy in District 12 to avoid thinking about Prim. Her stomach clenches. She stops chewing to ask her question and hears Peeta’s reply.

“I did meet a few people, yes. I met a few other mentors, Annie for example.”

She nodded to his words softly, though no expression was shown on her face. It was simple small talk for the both of them to get their minds off their issues and it worked Katniss believed. It was a little amusing how Peeta had met Annie and Katniss had met Finnick. She wondered if she should’ve asked Finnick about alliances with her tributes, maybe that would’ve helped them out more. It was weird of her to take a sudden interest into her tributes. Maybe she was moving on finally, she hoped that would be the case but doubted it highly. She was probably just guilty for rejecting them so much.

“And I met who used to be my best friend.”

Katniss could hear the drop in his voice and became sympathetic towards him. She didn’t know anything about his relationships with other people in District 12, so she was wary of delving too far into his friendships; she didn’t have many of her own so she didn’t have to deal with so many people. How could anyone even fall out of being best friends with Peeta anyway? He seemed like the kindest person in the world. And how did he meet him here? In the Capitol? Shouldn’t the guy be back home? “You saw someone from District 12, here?” Katniss hadn’t expected Peeta to see anyone from District 12 here, she thought that only the Capitol lived here. Which furthermore begs the question on how he saw his old friend in the first place. Katniss furrowed her eyebrows as questions were brewing in her head, and relaxed her back. “I mean,” she retracted her words back, realizing how it sounded like she was ignoring his feelings. “Are you okay?”